Over the past weeks in my Fire Horse series I've been exploring what it really takes to create change in your life — from letting go of what no longer fits, to beginning to take action again.  In the last journal, I talked about that critical shift from thinking into doing, and how easily procrastination can keep you stuck, even when you know exactly what you need to change.

But there is another layer to this that many women quietly struggle with....

One of the most disheartening parts of trying to change your life in midlife isn’t just starting. It’s trying again - sometimes over and over again.

Realising how many times you’ve already tried, and stopped, can be the thing that is preventing you from trying again.

Because it's likely you may have already tried a number of times to change your life into something more reflective of your goals and dreams - but as women, things often continue to get in our way because we are pulled in so many directions and have so many other demands on our time. 

You might have had an aspiration to change things,
and for a while… you might have managed to do things differently,
you probably even showed up differently on occasions,
you made more time for you, trying to carve out the space, trying to prioritise you more.....

Things may even have started to move forward, and you may have experienced some success....

But then, slowly, almost without noticing it happening - 
life takes over again:

the demands,
the responsibilities and day to day commitments,
the expectations and opinions of others. 

You start saying yes to everyone else more often,
you start letting your priorities lapse,
and slowly you feel the idea of your goal succeeding is slipping away from you... 

This can be where you find yourself somehow letting go of that dream, giving up - you find yourself right back where you started.   But, even worse than this is every time you go through this cycle it takes its toll on you and a story begins to build in your subconscious that blames you for the failure, rather than recognising the circumstances around you. 

The Pattern That Is Quietly Wearing You Down

It’s not just the stopping that hurts, because sometimes we don't notice straight away that we've given up.  It just happens...

It’s the feeling also that comes with the lack of success, that quiet disappointment in yourself…
because you meant it this time.

You told yourself:
"This time I’m really going to change things for me"

So every time it doesn’t happen, the reasons slowly turn into blame and failure....

It is this disappointment and blame that slowly grind your confidence down:

Not just your confidence in yourself, but your belief in your ability to ever achieve what you are striving for. 
Every time you start and stop, it can become another piece of "evidence" in your mind that holds you back from trying again.

You start to question your abilities:
Why can’t I stick to anything?
Why do I always fall back into the same patterns?
What am I doing wrong?
Maybe I don’t have the skills.
Maybe I’m just not up to it.

This erodes something deeper than motivation.

It erodes your self-trust.

It’s Not That You Lack Motivation

This is where so many women in midlife misunderstand what is really happening.

You assume the problem is:
lack of discipline
lack of willpower
lack of commitment
lack of motivation

Because that is how so much of our male-dominated hustle culture frames "success".

But the reality for midlife women is that something much more complex is happening to you.

Because your life by now isn’t built in a way that naturally supports change.

You are not starting from a blank slate, with your time and choices completely your own.

You are starting from a life where:

- people constantly rely on you
- you are the default for responsibility
- your time is not entirely your own
- saying yes has become a habit - and has been for years
- your needs have often come second - both to you and to other people

So when you try to change something for yourself…
it’s not just about adding a new habit or "sticking to it".

You are trying to change the structure of your current life, including the expectations other people have on your time and available energy - and that takes a considerably different approach than just hustle and motivation.  

The Invisible Load You’re Carrying

So the real issue is not a lack of desire to change, it’s the sheer weight of everything else you are already holding.

Unpicking these habits is no easy task. They have been built up over many years, and not only have you trained everyone else to expect you to be available - but you have trained yourself as well into auto-pilot:

• Automatically holding the mental load for everyone
• Taking emotional responsibility
• The constant awareness of what needs to be done
• The constant adaptability to react to their needs and requests at a moment's notice

Even when you carve out time for yourself,
there is often something else sitting in the background waiting to steal that time. 

When you start something new, and you’re already stretched - not surprisingly, the load does not redistribute easily, so it is usually your own needs that get sacrificed.

The Guilt of Choosing Yourself

There is another layer to this as well.

One that is rarely spoken about, especially as it is something so many women feel, but are ashamed of feeling - so it doesn't get vocalised!

It is the guilt we feel when we try to carve out a life for ourselves.

Many of us are programmed throughout our lives to believe that our needs should come last - even if this is just subconsciously through societal expectations and rules.   
The underlying concept of female sacrifice makes women feel like prioritising themselves is selfish, not feminine, but pushy, greedy, against the idea that being a "good girl" is to look after everyone else first. We are programmed from childhood into these societal norms, without even realising it. 

Even the most feminist amongst us will have been drawn into doing more when childcare and caring for ageing parents becomes the priority.  They will still end up sacrificing a large percentage of their time, whilst the husband or partner is likely to be doing the bare minimum (and only on their terms). 

How many women have felt like taking time for themselves becomes such a logistical nightmare to organise that everything is taken care of -that in the end, getting away feels so exhausting it hardly seems worth it.

For many women, prioritising themselves doesn't feel natural or neutral.   Years of being trained to sacrifice becomes a subconscious niggling that they shouldn't prioritise themselves - and the quiet guilt that sits under the surface makes it harder to commit to their needs.  

When You Change, Everything Around You Has to Change Too

This is the part that often takes time to understand.

The life you have now has been built — gradually — over years, with fixed habits and subconscious training that is at odds with your goals. 

People are used to you being a certain way.

You are used to being a certain way.

So when you begin to change that, even slightly, it doesn’t just feel unfamiliar to you. It feels unfamiliar to everyone around you.

It feels unfamiliar to everyone around you, they may not even realise it consciously, but they will continue to respond to the version of you they’ve always known and expect you to respond in the old ways.

Which means:

They still ask.
They still expect. 
They still rely on you.
They still put their needs first. 

Unless you begin to respond differently,
and retrain both yourself and everyone else around you,
nothing will ever change!

Read that line again!

I expect that the very idea might send you into a panic, it will look exhausting, impossible, you might throw your arms up in the air in frustration at the very idea.   

The instinctual response is going to be:

"There's no way I can do that"

But, it is achievable.   

And it isn't as difficult as it seems on the surface - but, it is so essential that this is an area I focus a lot of time on in my Pathway course and 1:1 Reset sessions with clients - because so many women do not know where to start because it isn’t something they have ever practised with confidence and conviction.

They've never before created those boundaries that allow them to move forward with confidence, so it can feel alien to them - until they learn the techniques to successfully establish their own boundaries so that they become natural and non-negotiable. 

If this is you I suggest going back to my earlier journal setting your boundaries to protect yourself  to learn how to establish your boundaries - they are essential if you want to control your life. 

This Is Where Things Begin to Shift

Starting isn’t your problem.

Stopping isn’t your failure.

It is often what is happening in your environment, your habits, the expectations around you, and the things that haven’t yet adjusted.

When you realise that this is what has been holding you back, it becomes so much easier to change things - to try again with greater awareness.

When you stop blaming yourself, and start to create the space to support the life you’re trying to build - everything becomes possible. 

It might take time
It might take awareness.
It might take patience.
It might take small, consistent actions. 

But it doesn't have to difficult. 

Often, things are never as difficult as we expected them to be before we started. 
 

A Different Way to Look at It

What if starting and stopping wasn’t failure?

What if it was part of the process of learning how to change your life…
in a way that actually works for you?

Because every time you start again,
you are learning something new:

• What pulled you away
• What didn’t work
• What needs to change

And that awareness is what allows you to begin again - differently and more successfully the next time.

More consciously.

More intentionally.

A Question to Sit With:

Instead of asking:

"Why do I keep stopping?"
"Why do I keep failing?"

You might ask yourself now:

• Where in my life am I still trying to carry everything?
• What keeps pulling me away from the things that matter to me?
• What would change if I protected even a small amount of time for myself, consistently?
  
  

Your Next Step

If this feels familiar — if you’ve been stuck in that cycle of starting and stopping — you’re not alone.

And more importantly… you’re not failing.

You just haven’t yet built the structure that supports the change you want.

That’s exactly why I created my free [Why You Feel Stuck in Midlife] Workbook.

It will help you:

• identify the hidden patterns keeping you stuck
• reconnect with what truly matters to you
• and take your first clear, aligned steps forward

It gives you a clear and intentional place to begin.

You can start here:

[Access Your Free Why You Feel Stuck in Midlife Workbook]

Because nothing changes… until you do.

Marie, 
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